Mending a Childhood…

The last couple of days have been particularly tough as our lad tries to come to terms with the fact that the courts have decided he will stay in care for the rest of his childhood. He’s 10 years old and that sort of news is just impossible for someone that young to comprehend.

We’ve had plenty of tears as you’d expect and questions about how and why he is staying with us and why he can’t go home. He simply doesn’t understand that what he experienced before wasn’t what a 10yr old should have lived through. Its been heart wrenching at times, not easy for us to explain as carers and there’s plenty more difficult questions to come we believe.

Our lad has spent the time since he heard looking for love from us, cuddling and simply checking that we will be there for him. Everything we can definitely give him.

So, we start to mend the childhood of this little lad, mending a childhood that he doesn’t think is even broken.

Making the right choice…

A few days ago we really earned our money as Foster Carers. Our charge decided, at the grand old age of 10 that he would only do things he wanted to do and when it suited him.

This meant he refused to wash, refused to eat, refused to get changed for bed, get in bed or go to sleep. So we had two and a half hours of cajoling, talking about rules and boundaries, threats of sanctions. Two and a half hours of shouting at us, calling us uncaring, verbally abusing us and generally swinging from anger to upset with all moods in between.

Suddenly the switch flicked back and this troubled lad returned to calm.

And through all this, despite the stress, the worry and the anguish of this little lad we both knew that becoming Foster Carers was the best decision we have ever made.

Hurdles…

Yesterday my daughter discovered her blood type was one that might affect future pregnancies as she is negative where most of us are positive.

I’m not a religious person, believing more in fate than some all-seeing omnipresence but what they are going through at the moment tests even my beliefs. It does seem to point at some force or other doing its hardest to stop them having the baby they so clearly yearn.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and if that’s the case they’re getting stronger by the second.

Caring…

Yesterday I was thinking about how difficult it is to be a Foster Carer and in particular what makes it different from raising your own kids.

The main thing that Foster Carers have to do is concentrate. You need to listen to everything your foster child says and make notes where necessary. You have to make sure that whatever you say is considered and won’t be used (usually inadvertently) against you when your charge has contact. And believe me there is nothing quite so tiring as concentrating all the time.

I remember that with my own kids I was able to ignore them from time to time. You know, the way you do when they are saying something silly or off in their own world but with Foster children there is no such luxury. Lose concentration and you lose focus, you may miss something vital or fail to see a sign.

And then of course there is the extra stress of knowing that as a Foster Carer you strive constantly to be liked and that in itself takes patience and masses of effort. Too much niceness and you run the risk of bluring the boundaries, too little and your the evil Foster Carer. Then, on top of all this you have to listen or witness the child show unconditional love to the parent(s). It seems that the natural parent has to do something really bad for the child to show any signs of desent and even then there’s bad and there’s bad. Frustrating as this is you, the professional carer have to swallow the lot and come up smiling whenever mention is made of good old mum and dad.

Love it or loathe it and however stressful this role is you’d be hard pressed to find a Foster Carer who would want to do anything else !

Mending…

Yesterday the general consensus was that my daughter and her husband needed to take the pressure off themselves and go back to a “normal” life, whatever that is.

The thinking was that this all consuming focus on having a baby was perhaps likely to lead to further anguish and affect them mentally.

I can see why people look at it like this and if they were a couple who stood a fighting chance of making a baby the traditional way then I’d agree. Basically take some time out, go back to the normality of life and see what happens. But they can’t do that.

I appreciate there’s no choice, that there is no alternative to this suggeston. Sure they can go back to work, they can do the usual things on days off and they can lead the usual hum drum life but its different for them when it comes to the baby.

They can’t just “see what will happen” as they know it will be nothing. They know that to become pregnant they have to go through IVF, they have to create the perfect conditions for the egg to fertilise and the baby to grow. And that’s pressure. Pressure beyond what most of us will ever have to experience.

So talk of going back to a normal life, however well meaning is not set in reality and I tend to think that I might be one of the few that realise this and just how much support they still need as we go forward.

Helpless 3…

I’ve been feeling a bit better today. The flashbacks have reduced a bit and its led to a reduction in the feelings of despair.

Despite the darkness of these days and what seems to me to be the sheer volume of time ahead to reach a successful conclusion I’ve been trying to be positive but I haven’t found that at all easy.

The couple have gone away for a few days together and can start to rebuild their future. The IVF was successful and that’s the key point here, whatever the sheer cruelty dished out by nature the fact remains that the IVF worked and can do so again, of that I am convinced so that’s the positivity I’m clinging on to.

One day my loved ones will get just what they deserve without the pain.

The have and the have nots…

I think that this world is split basically into two camps, the have and the have nots and I fall firmly into the have nots.

As you go through life if you are a have not then you will never have just what you think you are entitled to. You will not be lucky and nothing will seem to go your way. The haves on the other hand will do well in their careers, they’ll be used to success, win lotteries and generally be comfortable.

I’m not one of those that subscribe to the theory that if your pesimmistic then then you can “jinx” the outcome of something. To me that’s just nonsense and nothing I do, think or say can in any way influence the outcome.

I’m not saying that the haves get everything easy nor that they get thrown a curve ball from time to time but all I know is that when I really need something or desperately want something to happen you can be sure that it won’t go just how it might if I was a have rather than a have not.

Self pitty ? Maybe, but quite frankly I’ve had a lifetime of experience in this and I’m yet to be proved wrong.

Helpless 2…

Thursday was not really any easier for me. Indeed at one stage it became much harder for I received a text that was well meaning but left me feeling quite ghastly. Essentially the text described my son-in-laws comment to a friend of his over the phone and read as such…

“On Wednesday morning I woke up and I was going to be a Dad, today I woke up and I wasn’t”.

Every time I think of these words it really upsets me and is like a knife to my heart…

Helpless…

Wednesday was the single most hardest day of my life and I’m really struggling. To watch two people you love utterly be so distraught over the loss of the baby they have worked so hard to create is something I would wish on no one.

The day had started so brightly. The baby was barely 5 weeks old but it had seemed like years had passed in it’s making. The emotional struggle of an unsuccessful IVF cycle was behind them and the second cycle had reaped the reward everyone had wished for, especially the mum and dad to be. It was the first scan leading to a normal pregnancy.

Then CRASH. A “Blighted Ovum” they call it when the pregnancy progresses but there’s no baby.

I’m completely numb. It’s a feeling I’ve never had before. Not with my divorce and not with the loss of a loved one. I can see the future, where we all get over this and move forward to another pregnancy and eventually the wonderful baby but it doesn’t seem to be bringing me much comfort at the moment. The hurt that I watched the two go through was like trauma for me and I can’t get it out of my head.

Why I hate Facebook…

I’ve been on Facebook longer than most I know and I’ve grown to loathe it lately but why ?

1. The Privacy settings ae all wrong and completely one-sided. Indeed they’re set to collect as much personal information as possible and Facebook can share it with anyone they like from employers (current and prospective) to Universities to the law enforcement agencies. Once you post anything, be it words, pictures, video etc it belongs to Facebook. YES..belongs to Facebook and they can do with it what they want.

2. The whole site has degenerated into a gamezone. I don’t want to know about how many sheep you’ve got or whether you have a few fish to dispose of. Go and play silly games somewhere else.

3. So it’s my birthday and now I have loads of birthday wishes from my “friends”. These are people who wouldn’t say happy birthday if I saw them in person and most of them, my “friends”, probably don’t even like me anyway.

4. Go away with your gifts / Event invitations and worst of all good causes and groups. If I’m interested in something I’ll find it myself thank you.

5. Don’t ever put something up on a thread…you’ll be bombarded with notifications of other updates by complete strangers until the end of time.

6. Facebook has no idea how to “police” itself and lets itself be abused too easily. There is very little to stop anyone stealing your identity, setting up a Facebook account and abusing you and all your friends. Indeed the whole site is far too open for abuse. Too many private spats become public arguments which is wholly unacceptable.

7. I’ve seen too much bullying go on over Facebook. This should be a place to share good things in a safe and private way with friends and family and not be utilised by bullies of ALL AGES ages to wage an ongoing war of abuse.

8. The language used on Facebook is far too strong. I’m no prude but don’t post words on Facebook that you wouldn’t say in public and if you would still speak the “C” word amongst others then I don’t really want to know you anyway.

9. Getting tagged in pictures is blindingly annoying. If you already know who I am then why tag me ? If others don’t know who I am then tough and now Facebook will tag you using face recognition software, now that’s just creepy.

10. Big brother is watching. Every keypress you do is being monitored. every “Like” is being watched and you WILL be targeted by advertising. You are being spied upon and no move goes unnoticed.

11. Facebook chat is a pain. I don’t want to talk to you because if I do I’ll pick up the phone. It’s just plain awful to use anyway. Don’t even bother.

12. Facebook make it almost impossible to delete your account. Indeed they deliberately mislead users about how to do it. Even when you decide you’ve had enough, it’s really difficult to really delete your account. They make no promises about deleting your data and every application you’ve used may keep it as well. On top of that, account deletion is incredibly (and intentionally) confusing. When you go to your account settings, you’re given an option to deactivate your account, which turns out not to be the same thing as deleting it. Deactivating means you can still be tagged in photos and be spammed by Facebook (you actually have to opt out of getting emails as part of the deactivation, an incredibly easy detail to overlook, since you think you’re deleting your account). Finally, the moment you log back in, you’re back like nothing ever happened! In fact, it’s really not much different from not logging in for a while. Use any other application elsewhere on the Internet that links to Facebook in some way and lo and behold your account is magically reactivated…what !

To actually delete your account, you have to find a link buried in the on-line help (by “buried” I mean it takes five clicks to get there). Facebook is trying to trick their users into allowing them to keep their data even after they’ve “deleted” their account. That’s not on is it ?

13. Timeline just sucks and proves to you that no data is ever deleted. Timeline isn’t there for you it’s just been invented by Facebook to justify them never deleting your data…even if YOU thought you had deleted it !

14. Facebook places is just plain dangerous. Now we all know you are not at home and quite frankly I don’t want to know where you are ALL the time.

So there you have it, more than a dozen reasons why I hate Facebook and the reasons are growing all the time.